The Next Conversation: Fisher’s guide for conflict-proof communication
- Editorial Team
- 5 days ago
- 6 min read
Have you ever had a conversation with someone–be it coworker, friend, or relative–that seemed to go nowhere fast? Or, maybe it went somewhere fast, but that somewhere was downhill? I can recall conversations that started out like any other. But, before I knew it, tensions heightened, and it felt as though each of us was simply trying to win a debate rather than actually communicate. It was during one of these conversations that I had a moment of clarity. I paused and asked myself, “What am I trying to accomplish here?” The shift that followed was subtle, but immediate. Tones softened, and the conversation steered back toward understanding, rather than winning. That pause–choosing the next conversation rather than continuing the fight–is exactly the kind of shift Jefferson Fisher writes about in "The Next Conversation".
Conversations can go sideways—fast—especially in the workplace, where there are often hard conversations to be had. It’s easy to feel defensive about one’s talents and time. What may be intended to be honest feedback or an expression of your needs can turn into a game of ‘who’s right and who’s wrong’. But, what if workplace conversations focused on something more meaningful–connection, clarity, and mutual respect? This deep, empathetic communication is just the kind of communication we need in our work spaces today—and just the kind of communication that Jefferson Fisher guides us to.
The Next Conversation
"The Next Conversation" by New York Times’ bestselling book by attorney and communication expert Jefferson Fisher, thoughtfully re-frames how we communicate with one another, especially when sensitive topics are at play. In this bestseller, Fisher proposes that conversations often make or break relationships of all kinds, including those in the workplace. When tensions run high and effective communication is cast aside for defensiveness, over-explaining, and reactivity, our workplace relationships get tested. Unfortunately, we can’t undo what’s already been said. We can, however, shift our focus to what needs to be said next. It's that ‘next conversation’ that truly matters.
Rather than fall into the habits of defensive and reactive communication, Fisher offers a framework built around three rules:
Say it with control
Say it with confidence
Say it to connect
When you say it with control, you speak from a calm and grounded place free from emotion. Maintaining composure ensures that the conversation stays on track and that negative emotions from any party stay out of it. When you speak with confidence, you speak clearly and concisely. This confidence helps others take your words seriously while also allowing little room for miscommunication. When you speak to connect, you prioritize understanding and empathy over the need to be right. Framing your words to build trust and positive communication builds stronger relationships, rather than weaker ones.
If we want flourishing relationships–at home or in the workplace–we have to use effective, empathic communication. Our goal in communication should not be to ‘win’ or to force others to adopt our opinions. Rather, our goal should be understanding: understanding others and ensuring that others understand us. To help you improve your communication, we’ve compiled our top five tips–based on Fisher’s "The Next Conversation"–to help you enhance your real-life conversations and build strong relationships.
5 Tips for improving communication based on Fisher’s ‘Next Conversation’ principles
1. Pause and frame the next conversation rather than reacting
Emotional reactivity often leads conversations of the rails. When we feel heightened tensions, we often resort to fight-or-flight, choosing to react defensively, or feeling the need to verbally attack. It’s in tense times like these that Fisher recommends pausing to restore composure, to re-engage reasoning, and to decide how to move forward. This psychological trick, often called the ‘Magic Pause’, allows us to reset and better control our emotions. In fact, a five-second pause in heated conversations has actually been shown to reset our nervous system, getting us out of fight-or-flight and back into a clear state of mind.
When you find yourself in the midst of a conversation heading downhill fast, take a brief pause. Focus on your breathing and label exactly what you're feeling inside. If a certain topic or even terminology has upset you, identify that. Once you’ve paused and reflected on what’s happening internally, then shift your focus back to the conversation. Ask yourself, “What is my goal for the conversation, and how can I achieve it?” With a clear mind and renewed purpose, approach the talk again as if it’s a completely new conversation.
2. Speak with clarity and confidence
Clarity is an important factor for good communication. When you speak clearly and concisely, the risk of misunderstandings is greatly diminished. Clear, confident communication doesn’t rely on over-explaining or qualifiers such as “I just want” and “maybe we could just.” In fact, Fisher warns that both over-explaining and overuse of qualifiers actually weakens or undermines your message. Clarity and confidence build trust, decrease miscommunications, and increase your perceived credibility.
To speak with clarity and confidence, avoid qualifiers and long justifications. Rather than saying, “I was wondering if we could talk about this,” try instead, “I need to talk about this.” Cutting out the qualifier here adds an air of confidence that wasn’t there before. Likewise, long justifications often wash out your main point. Instead, stick to the facts and what really matters. As the old adage goes, mean what you say and say what you mean.
3. Set conversational boundaries
Many conversations escalate because one party–often unintentionally–pushes the other’s conversational boundaries. Triggering topics and attitudinal barriers can push us to our emotional limits. This is why conversational boundaries ought to be set. One study in communication boundaries demonstrates that when people set and communicate boundaries (in this case, no work texts after 8 p.m.), stress and role conflict decline. By establishing clear boundaries, especially in workplace conversations, we avoid the major triggers that often push us to reactivity and strained relationships.
Identify what your conversational boundaries are—maybe certain topics, raised voices, or even interruptions. Then, define these boundaries when a conversation seems to be heading into a tense area. You may say, “I’m willing to talk, but not if there’s yelling.” Or even, “I can’t continue if things become personal.” These firm yet emotionless boundaries set a respectful tone and a clear limit. If a boundary is crossed, pause and reset. Then re-engage when ready. Keep in mind Fisher’s key concept: focus on the next conversation.
4. Let go of the need to win—embrace the need to understand
Zero-sum thinking is the concept that one’s loss is another’s gain. In simple terms, this translates to “I win, you lose.” Zero-sum thinking is often the mindset behind arguments in which both sides are seeking to be deemed as correct and often leads to great divide and tension between parties. One of Fisher’s recurring concepts is letting go of the need to win–that means letting go of that zero-sum thinking.
When our sole focus of a conversation is ‘winning’, we lose sight of the purpose of conversation–to engage, understand, and build relationships with others.Don’t focus on winning an argument or changing someone’s opinion. Focus, instead, on meeting your conversational goal while fostering understanding and respect. Before entering a tough talk, call to mind your intention for the conversation. Make sure your intention focuses on a positive, growth-centered goal rather than winning.
During the conversation, ask open-ended and respectful questions. “What do you feel is at stake here?” “What do you need from me right now?” “How does this affect you?” These open-ended questions allow you to dive deeper into the conversation and gain a deeper understanding of the other party’s point of view. Resist the internal point tallying, and keep in mind the overarching goal: clear communication and understanding.
5. Debrief and plan your next conversation
In Fisher’s approach, it’s the conversation that follows–the next conversation–that’s the most impactful and most healing. The first exchange may be the most reactive and most messy. While we can’t change what’s happened, we can influence what’s to come. The next conversation can be the most fruitful, if we allow and plan for it to be. Whether you’re pausing in the midst of what’s become a heated debate or reflecting back on a tense talk you’ve had recently, the next conversation is the most crucial.
To prepare for the next conversation, reflect privately on what’s gone right and what needs work. What did you and the other party do well? What seemed to trigger or cause a reaction within you? Where did you contribute to the conversation’s negative turn? It’s important to identify and note the patterns you see in order to reconstruct your next conversation. After a time of reflection, plan when and how you’ll revisit the conversation. Make sure to lead with curiosity and understanding rather than assertion. Remember, no single conversation “solves” things. Most relationships evolve through many small, intentional ‘next conversations’.
Jefferson Fisher’s "The Next Conversation" offers a crucial mindset shift needed for effectively communicating and building relationships. By pausing to re-calibrate, speaking with clarity, and ditching the need to win, we give ourselves and others a space to be heard, respected, and understood. In a time where 86% of employees feel unheard in the workplace, creating that space is essential. Real change doesn’t usually come in one perfect talk—but in many ‘next conversations’ we choose to have differently.
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